Musician Jokes
You've heard all the blond jokes, and the Polish/Italian/Irish/Catholic/Baptist/Jewish jokes,
but here's a collection of our favorite musician jokes, which are funny because they're true.
(mostly)

What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfriend?
-Homeless

How do you get a guitar player to turn down?
-Put music in front of him.

What's the difference between a chain saw and a baritone sax?
-Vibrato.

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
-Skid marks in front of the snake.

What's the difference between a dead country singer in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road?
-The country singer may have been on his way to a recording session.

What do you call a beautiful girl on a sax player's arm?
-A tattoo.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
-A drummer.

What did the bass player get on his IQ test?
-Drool.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
-None. They have machines that do that now.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
-None. The keyboard player can do that with his left hand.

How many country stars does it take to change a light bulb?
-One. She holds the bulb, and the whole world revolves around her.

How many rock stars does it take to change a light bulb?
-Two. One to roll a joint and one to call a roadie.

How many union stage hands does it take to change a light bulb?
-None. You have to get the union electrician to do that.

How many fingers does a union stage hand have?
-(Stand with hands in pockets and say): "Nobody knows."

Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
-To get away from the noise.

How do you know there's a girl singer at your door?
-Can't find the key; doesn't know when to come in.

A young boy says to his mom, "When I grow up, I want to be a musician."
His mom says, "You can't do both."

How do you get a drummer off your front porch?
-Pay him for the pizza.

What's the difference between a banjo and a lawnmower?
-You can tune a lawnmower.

Two out-of-work Jewish musicians are sitting on a park bench in Brooklyn. The first one says, "Oy".
The other one answers, "Yea, I'm hip."

Why do banjo players leave their finger-picks on the dashboard?
-So they can park in the handicap spaces.

What's the difference between a musician and a large Domino's pizza?
-The pizza can feed a family of four.

How can you tell when there's a drummer at your door?
-The knocking speeds up.

What's the difference between a monitor engineer and a toilet seat?
-A toilet seat only has to deal with one ass at a time.

What do you throw a drowning guitarist?
-His amp.

What do you throw a drowning steel guitarist?
-Both his amps.

How can you tell when the stage is level?
-When drool rolls out both sides of the drummer's mouth.

How do you know when a fiddle is really out of tune?
-When the steel player notices it.

On a tour bus, how do you know when the band is complaining?
-Their mouths are moving.

How do you know when the star is off the bus?
-Their mouths are really moving.

How many local D.J.'s does it take to introduce the star?
-Two. One to talk way too long, and the other to say, "So without further ado..."

What's the minimum number of roadies for a tour?
-Two. One to abuse the equipment; one to abuse the band.

What do you call four musicians playing different songs?
-A jam.

What do you call seven musicians playing different songs?
-Sound check.

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
-"
TWO, TWO, Testing, one, TWO."

What do you call someone who sings 3-chord country songs through their nose?
-A hillbilly.

What do you call a hillbilly with a record deal?
-a "Recording Artist".

What do you call a recording artist who's lost his record deal?
-a "Legend".

What do you call lots of legends who've lost their record deals?
-Branson, Missouri

What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
-"The Defendant"

What is another term for trombone?
-A wind-driven, manually-operated, pitch approximator.

What do Ginger Baker and Mapco coffee have in common?
-They both suck without Cream.

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
-A music critic.

How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
-Put it in a viola case.

There are two sax players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
-The policeman.

1st country singer: "I hear you had surgery on your nose."
2nd country singer: "Yea, it was gettin' to where I could hardly sing through it."

Michael Caine walks up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?"
"It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton.
"What's a Lawrence Welk?" Michael asks.
Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."


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