You've heard all the blond jokes, and the Polish/Italian/Irish/Catholic/Baptist/Jewish jokes,
but here's a collection of our favorite musician jokes, which are funny because they're true.
What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfriend?
How do you get a guitar player to turn down?
-Put music in front of him.
What's the difference between a chain saw and a baritone sax?
What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
-Skid marks in front of the snake.
What's the difference between a dead country singer in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road?
-The country singer may have been on his way to a recording session.
What do you call a beautiful girl on a sax player's arm?
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
What did the bass player get on his IQ test?
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
-None. They have machines that do that now.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
-None. The keyboard player can do that with his left hand.
How many country stars does it take to change a light bulb?
-One. She holds the bulb, and the whole world revolves around her.
How many rock stars does it take to change a light bulb?
-Two. One to roll a joint and one to call a roadie.
How many union stage hands does it take to change a light bulb?
-None. You have to get the union electrician to do that.
How many fingers does a union stage hand have?
-(Stand with hands in pockets and say): "Nobody knows."
Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
-To get away from the noise.
How do you know there's a girl singer at your door?
-Can't find the key; doesn't know when to come in.
A young boy says to his mom, "When I grow up, I want to be a musician."
His mom says, "You can't do both."
How do you get a drummer off your front porch?
-Pay him for the pizza.
What's the difference between a banjo and a lawnmower?
-You can tune a lawnmower.
Two out-of-work Jewish musicians are sitting on a park bench in Brooklyn. The first one says, "Oy".
The other one answers, "Yea, I'm hip."
Why do banjo players leave their finger-picks on the dashboard?
-So they can park in the handicap spaces.
What's the difference between a musician and a large Domino's pizza?
-The pizza can feed a family of four.
How can you tell when there's a drummer at your door?
-The knocking speeds up.
What's the difference between a monitor engineer and a toilet seat?
-A toilet seat only has to deal with one ass at a time.
What do you throw a drowning guitarist?
What do you throw a drowning steel guitarist?
-Both his amps.
How can you tell when the stage is level?
-When drool rolls out both sides of the drummer's mouth.
How do you know when a fiddle is really out of tune?
-When the steel player notices it.
On a tour bus, how do you know when the band is complaining?
-Their mouths are moving.
How do you know when the star is off the bus?
-Their mouths are really moving.
How many local D.J.'s does it take to introduce the star?
-Two. One to talk way too long, and the other to say, "So without further ado..."
What's the minimum number of roadies for a tour?
-Two. One to abuse the equipment; one to abuse the band.
What do you call four musicians playing different songs?
What do you call seven musicians playing different songs?
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
-"TWO, TWO, Testing, one, TWO."
What do you call someone who sings 3-chord country songs through their nose?
What do you call a hillbilly with a record deal?
-a "Recording Artist".
What do you call a recording artist who's lost his record deal?
What do you call lots of legends who've lost their record deals?
What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
What is another term for trombone?
-A wind-driven, manually-operated, pitch approximator.
What do Ginger Baker and Mapco coffee have in common?
-They both suck without Cream.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
-A music critic.
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
-Put it in a viola case.
There are two sax players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
1st country singer: "I hear you had surgery on your nose."
2nd country singer: "Yea, it was gettin' to where I could hardly sing through it."
Michael Caine walks up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?"
"It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton.
"What's a Lawrence Welk?" Michael asks.
Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."
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