Musician Jokes

You've heard all the blond jokes, and the Polish/Italian/Irish/Catholic/Baptist/Jewish jokes, but here's a collection of our favorite musician jokes, which are funny because they're true. (mostly) What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfriend? -Homeless How do you get a guitar player to turn down? -Put music in front of him. What's the difference between a chain saw and a baritone sax? -Vibrato. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead country singer in the road? -Skid marks in front of the snake. What's the difference between a dead country singer in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road? -The country singer may have been on his way to a recording session. What do you call a beautiful girl on a sax player's arm? -A tattoo. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? -A drummer. What did the bass player get on his IQ test? -Drool. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? -None. They have machines that do that now. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? -None. The keyboard player can do that with his left hand. How many country stars does it take to change a light bulb? -One. She holds the bulb, and the whole world revolves around her. How many rock stars does it take to change a light bulb? -Two. One to roll a joint and one to call a roadie. How many union stage hands does it take to change a light bulb? -None. You have to get the union electrician to do that. How many fingers does a union stage hand have? -(Stand with hands in pockets and say): "Nobody knows." Why do bagpipers always walk when they play? -To get away from the noise. How do you know there's a girl singer at your door? -Can't find the key; doesn't know when to come in. A young boy says to his mom, "When I grow up, I want to be a musician." His mom says, "You can't do both." How do you get a drummer off your front porch? -Pay him for the pizza. What's the difference between a banjo and a lawnmower? -You can tune a lawnmower. Two out-of-work Jewish musicians are sitting on a park bench in Brooklyn. The first one says, "Oy". The other one answers, "Yea, I'm hip." Why do banjo players leave their finger-picks on the dashboard? -So they can park in the handicap spaces. What's the difference between a musician and a large Domino's pizza? -The pizza can feed a family of four. How can you tell when there's a drummer at your door? -The knocking speeds up. What's the difference between a monitor engineer and a toilet seat? -A toilet seat only has to deal with one ass at a time. What do you throw a drowning guitarist? -His amp. What do you throw a drowning steel guitarist? -Both his amps. How can you tell when the stage is level? -When drool rolls out both sides of the drummer's mouth. How do you know when a fiddle is really out of tune? -When the steel player notices it. On a tour bus, how do you know when the band is complaining? -Their mouths are moving. How do you know when the star is off the bus? -Their mouths are really moving. How many local D.J.'s does it take to introduce the star? -Two. One to talk way too long, and the other to say, "So without further ado..." What's the minimum number of roadies for a tour? -Two. One to abuse the equipment; one to abuse the band. What do you call four musicians playing different songs? -A jam. What do you call seven musicians playing different songs? -Sound check. How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb? -"TWO, TWO, Testing, one, TWO." What do you call someone who sings 3-chord country songs through their nose? -A hillbilly. What do you call a hillbilly with a record deal? -a "Recording Artist". What do you call a recording artist who's lost his record deal? -a "Legend". What do you call lots of legends who've lost their record deals? -Branson, Missouri What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit? -"The Defendant" What is another term for trombone? -A wind-driven, manually-operated, pitch approximator. What do Ginger Baker and Mapco coffee have in common? -They both suck without Cream. What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords? -A music critic. How do you keep your violin from being stolen? -Put it in a viola case. There are two sax players sitting in a car. Who's driving? -The policeman. 1st country singer: "I hear you had surgery on your nose." 2nd country singer: "Yea, it was gettin' to where I could hardly sing through it." Michael Caine walks up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?" "It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton. "What's a Lawrence Welk?" Michael asks. Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it." ___________________________________ More Jokes