Orchestral Riddles: How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison? -Shoot one. What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? -Nobody cries when you cut up an oboe. Why did the chicken cross the road? -To get away from the bassoon recital. What's the range of a tuba? -About 20 yards, if you've got a good arm. What's the difference between a violist and a dog? -The dog knows when to stop scratching. What's the difference between a violin and a viola? -A viola burns about 10 minutes longer. Why are violins smaller than violas? -They're not. Violinist's heads are just bigger. What's the difference between a cello and a coffin? -The coffin has the dead guy on the inside. If you needed a heart transplant, why would you want one from a conductor? -Because it's had so little use. What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? -The bull has the horns in the front and the ass in the back. Hybrid Country-Pop Artists: Minnie Pearl Jam Homer and Jethro Tull Clint Black Sabbath Pedal Steely Dan Black Oakridge Arkansas Boys The Alan Jackson 5 Neil Diamond Rio Madonna Fargo "Little" Jimmy Hendrix The Marshall Tanya Tucker Band BR54 Nine-Inch Nails Pink Floyd Cramer Blind Faith Hill Creedence New Grass Revival Lester Flatt & Earl Klugh Twisted Lester Ralph Stanley Clarke EmmyLou Rawls "Tiny" Tim McGraw Musical Terms Misunderstood by Country Musicians: Diminished Fifth - An empty bottle of Jack Daniels Perfect Fifth - A full bottle of Jack Daniels Ritard - There's one in every family Relative Major - An uncle in the Marine Corps Relative Minor - A girlfriend Pianissimo - "Refill this beer bottle" Treble - Women ain't nothin' but Transpositions - Men who wear dresses Cut Time- Parole Order of Sharps - What a wimp gets at the bar Cadenza - That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes French Horn - Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m. Things You'll Never Hear on a Tour Bus: "Shouldn't we go back for the drummer?" "Oh, no you don't! It's my turn to clean the bathroom." "Checkmate!" "Go roll 'em down the aisle all you want. They're only cymbals." "So, I just walked her home, kissed her goodnight, and came back to the bus." "No, the monitor mix was perfect. I just messed up." "Twenty percent? Our manager should get at least 30 percent!" "Why is there a pornographic video in the VCR?" "Can you believe all the money we're getting?" "Boy, I can't wait 'till we get to Omaha!" "No thanks, I don't want another beer." You may have noticed a preponderance of drummer jokes. At long last, the following joke is an answer to that phenomenon. It's the only joke I've ever heard that has a name. It's called: "Drummer's Revenge" A businessman flies to the islands for a well-deserved vacation. As the plane lands, he can't help but notice an incessant tribal drumbeat from somewhere far away, but heard all over the island. He asks the cab driver, "Hey, what's with the constant drums?" The cabbie replies, "Oh, drums play, very good. drums no play, very bad." At the hotel, he asks the desk clerk, "Those drums are driving me nuts! What's the deal?" Again, he gets the answer; "Drums play, very good. drums no play, very bad." Finally, he's trying to eat dinner, and can't take it any more. He calls the waiter over, and just as he's ready to unload on him, the drumbeat stops. Eerie, deafening silence, and everyone in the room freezes in their tracks with a look of horror on their faces. He grabs the waiter's arm and asks, "What happens now?" The waiter, with a disgusted look, says softly, "Bass solo." The Boston Pops was having a bad night. Conductor John Williams, usually reserved, unloaded on them during the intermission. "This is a disgrace. You call this an orchestra? Percussion was consistently late, the strings are out of tune, and if the brass misses one more entrance, I don't know what I'm going to do! You folks better wake up before the second half!" He stormed out, slamming the door. The orchestra sat in stunned silence. Finally, the concertmaster slowly rose to his feet and said, "Listen, folks. Anyone can have a bad night. But just remember: No matter how bad it gets out there, we're still keeping two keyboard players out of work!" A bass player dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter greets him at the pearly gates with a cold beer and a beautiful vintage bass. He leads him onto a stage where all of his departed jazz heroes are in the throes of a spirited jam. Miles, Duke, Byrd, Krupa; they're all playing their hearts out, and the bass player joins right in. This truly is heaven, he thinks to himself. After a few songs and a few beers, he asks Byrd, "Where's the bathroom?" "Just pee off the back of the stage." Byrd replies. He walks to the back, and just as he's ready to let it fly, he notices all these balding middle-aged men jammed shoulder-to-shoulder, just below the back edge of the stage. "Hey, I can't do this, there are people down there!" he yells over the music. Gene Krupa turns and hollers back, "It's O.K., man, they're clubowners!" The gig's going really well. The crowd is going wild- people dancing, yelling and applauding after every song, and the house is packed. There's a famous talent agent sitting at the bar with an executive from a major record label. The whole band is in the pocket, hitting every groove, and pulling off every lick and harmony just right. The guitarist is thinking, "We're going to be famous. I'm going to be famous. Everyone is going to know my name. I'm going to get a LOT of girls." The drummer is thinking, "We're gonna be rich. So rich. I'm going to buy the most incredible drum kit, and a Porsche." The singer is thinking, "This is great. I'll finally be able to afford my designer drug habit." And the bass player is thinking, "G - D - G - D..." ______________________________ (Back to Road Stories)

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